Popular Funny Quotes
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| S.No | Quotes | Author |
| 1 | I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. | Groucho Marx |
| 2 | Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. | Elbert Hubbard |
| 3 | I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. | Will Rogers |
| 4 | Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. | Jim Carrey |
| 5 | Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. | Luis Bunuel |
| 6 | A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. | Steve Martin |
| 7 | What’s another word for Thesaurus? | Steven Wright |
| 8 | Only the mediocre are always at their best. | Jean Giraudoux |
| 9 | I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. | Lily Tomlin |
| 10 | Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity. | Thor Heyerdahl |
| 11 | My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. | Ellen DeGeneres |
| 12 | If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner. | Tallulah Bankhead |
| 13 | I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. | Zsa Zsa Gabor |
| 14 | Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. | Anthony Burgess |
| 15 | You’re only as good as your last haircut. | Fran Lebowitz |
| 16 | All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. | Casey Stengel |
| 17 | I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand. | Charles M. Schulz |
| 18 | It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. | Jerry Seinfeld |
| 19 | I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. | Ron White |
| 20 | By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. | Richard Dawkins |
| 21 | Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. | Mel Brooks |
| 22 | If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. | Jack Benny |
| 23 | My life needs editing. | Mort Sahl |
| 24 | We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. | W. H. Auden |
| 25 | As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. | Buddy Hackett |
| 26 | Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. | Hedy Lamarr |
| 27 | Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. | Brooke Shields |
| 28 | My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. | Billy Connolly |
| 29 | I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. | Douglas Adams |
| 30 | Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. | Margaret Mead |
| 31 | There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. | Henry Kissinger |
| 32 | Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. | Alexander Woollcott |
| 33 | I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. | W. C. Fields |
| 34 | Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. | Laurence J. Peter |
| 35 | It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. | Thomas Sowell |
| 36 | If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. | Clint Eastwood |
| 37 | Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. | George Burns |
| 38 | Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. | P. J. O’Rourke |
| 39 | Never put a sock in a toaster. | Eddie Izzard |
| 40 | They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. | Clint Eastwood |
| 41 | My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. | Mike Myers |
| 42 | No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. | Abraham Lincoln |
| 43 | Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. | Mae West |
| 44 | Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. | H. G. Wells |
| 45 | Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. | Don Marquis |
| 46 | I can resist everything except temptation. | Oscar Wilde |
| 47 | He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. | Raymond Chandler |
| 48 | There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. | Chris Rock |
| 49 | If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. | Robin Williams |
| 50 | People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. | Isaac Asimov |
| 51 | A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. | George Bernard Shaw |
| 52 | Life is hard. After all, it kills you. | Katharine Hepburn |
| 53 | The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. | Terry Pratchett |
| 54 | A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. | Lana Turner |
| 55 | I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. | Robert Benchley |
| 56 | Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. | H. L. Mencken |
| 57 | Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. | Mark Twain |
| 58 | Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. | Oscar Levant |
| 59 | I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. | Joan Rivers |
| 60 | I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. | Winston Churchill |