Popular Funny Quotes

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1I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.Groucho Marx
2Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.Elbert Hubbard
3I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.Will Rogers
4Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.Jim Carrey
5Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.Luis Bunuel
6A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.Steve Martin
7What’s another word for Thesaurus?Steven Wright
8Only the mediocre are always at their best.Jean Giraudoux
9I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.Lily Tomlin
10Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.Thor Heyerdahl
11My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.Ellen DeGeneres
12If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.Tallulah Bankhead
13I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.Zsa Zsa Gabor
14Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.Anthony Burgess
15You’re only as good as your last haircut.Fran Lebowitz
16All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.Casey Stengel
17I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.Charles M. Schulz
18It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.Jerry Seinfeld
19I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.Ron White
20By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.Richard Dawkins
21Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.Mel Brooks
22If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.Jack Benny
23My life needs editing.Mort Sahl
24We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.W. H. Auden
25As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.Buddy Hackett
26Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.Hedy Lamarr
27Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.Brooke Shields
28My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.Billy Connolly
29I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.Douglas Adams
30Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.Margaret Mead
31There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.Henry Kissinger
32Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.Alexander Woollcott
33I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.W. C. Fields
34Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.Laurence J. Peter
35It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.Thomas Sowell
36If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.Clint Eastwood
37Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.George Burns
38Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.P. J. O’Rourke
39Never put a sock in a toaster.Eddie Izzard
40They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.Clint Eastwood
41My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.Mike Myers
42No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.Abraham Lincoln
43Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.Mae West
44Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.H. G. Wells
45Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.Don Marquis
46I can resist everything except temptation.Oscar Wilde
47He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.Raymond Chandler
48There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.Chris Rock
49If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.Robin Williams
50People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.Isaac Asimov
51A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.George Bernard Shaw
52Life is hard. After all, it kills you.Katharine Hepburn
53The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.Terry Pratchett
54A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.Lana Turner
55I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.Robert Benchley
56Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.H. L. Mencken
57Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.Mark Twain
58Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.Oscar Levant
59I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.Joan Rivers
60I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.Winston Churchill

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